True Blood 3.01- "Bad Blood"

written by: Brian Buckner
directed by Daniel Minahan

Will these two just make out already?

FRENCH RESTAURANT 

-Bill is still gone (yay)!

-"Fucking vampires! It's always nothing but shit"

JASON'S HOUSE

-I'll forgive this flashback even though it's from a previous episode, because the episode happened a year before, however, it was on the previously on.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Why hasn't anyone taken Tara way from Eggs' body?

BILL'S HOUSE

-Jessica brought a guest home.

For dinner (ha ha.)

CAR

-Bill's been kidnapped by the "Fuck You Crew", which sounds more like a motorcycle gang to me.

OPENING CREDITS

FRENCH RESTAURANT

-Kenya is working those new bangs.

The only competent member of the Bon Temps police force.

-Kenya presents a pretty likely scenario to Sookie: Bill got mad and left. Unfortunately, he'd never do anything that convenient. 

-Just a side note, there is no waiting period for a missing person. It's a weird lie that keeps being told on tv.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Andy told everyone that he killed Eggs instead of Jason and, of course, Terry is there with the best support: "you are still a man that is capable of goodness and of heartbreak and generosity of spirit." Thank goodness we get to see more Terry in this season.

Nothing snarky to add here.

-Bud is questioning Arlene about what happened and Tara isn't having any of it. As Arlene puts it, "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, all right? But honestly, who here hasn't?"

BILL'S HOUSE

-Jessica tells the trucker that she can't bring him to the hospital. It's called dropping him off and it works for prom babies.

-The trucker's last words are "you're a fucking whore." I hope if I'm murdered my last words will be just as spiteful.

CAR

-Patrick Swayze's brother is one of the Fuck You Crew that kidnapped Bill.

Let's hope nobody starts ghosting.

-"That's gay."

"And playing with your titties in a car full of dudes ain't."- It's been too long since we've seen a character on V-juice.

JASON'S HOUSE

-Andy comes in through Jason's window (not like that) to make sure Jason gets his story straight, because Andy's has plenty of holes in, like delicious Swiss cheese.

-Andy tells Jason to get back to his regular life which is "conscience off, dick on." That was my motto in college!

FANGTASIA

-Fangtasia plays really loud screaming music. As big of a fangbanger as I'd be, I'm not sure I could handle Fangtasia.

-Sookie tells Pam that she's in "no mood for lesbian weirdness."

Uh, don't speak for everybody Sookie.

-Pam "tries" to stop Sookie, in the same why that "try" not to drink. Which is to say, not at all.

-"Holy s."

For once I agree with Sookie.

-Sookie accuses Eric of kidnapping Bill, but Eric denies it. He's been busy with sex the whole night. Only Sookie doubts this.

-"Is Bill's stamina not up to snuff?"- There is so much about Bill that is not up to snuff.

His abs, for instance. 

CAR

-Bill finally becomes a badass and crashes the car.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE

-Lafayette gives Tara some tequila and klonopin. Don't mind if I do!

-Sookie tells Tara that she gave Eggs back his memories. He's dead Sookie, he's not going to tell on you!

-Tara attacks Sookie.

I don't think the drugs are working.

FANGTASIA

-Eric is on the phone with another vampire trying to figure out where Bill is. What was Eric going to do to Bill?

-Pam brings up some good points about the Queen needing to know what's up.

SAM'S SEX DREAM

-I'm not sure how turned on I should be by this sex scene. On the one hand, topless Sam. On the other, topless Bill.

On the other, very suggestive dialogue.

-"I hear the water in Arkansas is very hard."- I've definitely used that line before.

HOTEL

-The lady on the phone calls Sam "Sam Merlot" and has no idea what privacy means.

ROAD CREW

-Hoyt threatens to stick a branch up Jason's butt. Time for another Community reference. 

-"You want to really fuck somebody's life up? Tell the truth about them."-Jason is not as dumb as he seems.

-Hoyt is being really obvious about moving in with Jason, and Jason is being really oblivious about it.

He can't always be on point.

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY

-Lafayette gets Lettie Mae over to make sure Tara doesn't try to kill herself. He's still not over the whole, pointing a gun in his face, thing.

-"Bitch, you/me bridge, ain't never gonna motherfucking happen."

Unless it's a bridge to push Lettie Mae off.

POLICE DEPARTMENT

-Sookie threatens Bud to send the search out for Bill. He's as interested as I am in doing that.

ONE STARBUCK'S TOWN

-Sam goes to a repair shop and tries to bond with his possibly brother by complimenting the tires. He's as bad as me trying to flirt with men.

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY

-Tara's been surprised sermoned! It happens more than you would think in the south.

WOODS

-Bill slept in the ground and managed not to have gross sex with anybody afterwards.

BILL'S HOUSE

-Hoyt calls Jessica and goes on about his haircut while Jessica rudely interrupts.

It does make him look badass though.

FANGTASIA

-The Magister and Queen rudely interrupt Yvetta's dance to declare that Shreveport is the V capitol. I'm sure that's the only time Shreveport has been first in anything.

-I like how the vampires act like they're in a sermon whenever vampire blood is mentioned. 

The only thing I worship is Eric on a throne.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Arlene sniffs the food. I'd send that back, but instead Arlene realizes she's pregnant.

-Jason asks Hoyt where he's been. Hoyt responds that he's been crying. Like the thoughtful person Jason is, he just tells Hoyt to shut up.

-Someone named their child Missy. Gross.

-Jason manages to get some ladies to go home with that and when Hoyt complains Jason argues, "There's a certain amount of pussy overflow you just have to get used to dealing with."

Andy can't wait to use that line.

-FANGTASIA

-The Queen calls the Magister dull. Let's reverse those roles.

-The Queen threatens Eric by touching him in a bathing suite area. I'll have to try that next time.

-"Let [Bill] rot."-Hear, hear!

STACKHOUSE HOUSE

-Pam comes to drop off Sookie's check and it makes me wish that the show kept up Pam and Sookie's friendship that was in the books. TV Sookie doesn't really have/keep that many friends and Pam always has the best humour. 

And clothes.

-"Ill say you sounded more appreciative than that."

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Terry calls Arlene peculiar. Keep on keeping on Terry.

-Pam visits Lafayette (while still not staying in the walk in refrigerator) and demands that he move tout de suite. 

-Pam Line of the Night: "You pickin' up, what I'm puttin' down?"

BILL'S HOUSE

-What a coincidence! Jessica was "called" by Bill for the first time on the same night Sookie learned that vampires could do that!

"Coincidence is a pimp and a cardsharper in ordinary fiction."Source

NOWHERESVILLE

-Bill attacks a little old lady, but pays her so I guess it's ok?

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY

-Lettie Mae wants to bone the reverend while Tara tries to kill herself. 

SAM'S CAR

-Sam just casually stalks his maybe brother to his maybe family's house.

To maybe find love.

JASON AND HOYT'S

-Jason tries to get his "dick on" with the girls, but ends up seeing bullet holes in their heads. Guess he didn't turn his conscience off first.

-Hoyt cheerfully tells the ladies, offscreen, "It was real nice meeting y'all." At least someone in that house has manners. 

ROADSIDE

-Sookie and Jessica reenact some Buffy and search for the meaning of a brand. It's "operation werewolf."

WOODS

-Bill faces off against a bunch of wolves and it should look frighting, but it doesn't.

I don't know what I hate more: werewolves or Bill.

END

-Musical Moment for the Night: "Bad Blood" by Beck. Like a lot of my musical moments for the third season, it plays during the credits and is the title of the episode.

Hey look at that! No spoilers for this episode. How about you use the time you'd take reading the spoilers to leave a comment?

So I figure I should give a fair warning just in case this happens, but tomorrow night is the series finale of True Blood. It could be glorious, it'll probably just be ok, or I could hate it with a passion. There is a small chance that I'll hate it so much that I won't want to continue rewatching & recapping the show. Hopefully, it won't happen, but if it does at least there will be weekly Doctor Who recapage.

Home of the Nutty is going to disappoint me real soon when it comes to screencaps, but for now they're the best.

Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr. 'Nuff said.

True Blood 2.12- "Beyond Here Lies Nothin'"

written by: Alexander Woo
directed by: Michael Cuesta

Where did he imprint on that bull?

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Spoiler, that egg doesn't mean shit.

-"Take off your clothes."-That's probably the first time Lafayette's ever said that to a woman. 

-Maryann continues to destroy Sookie's memories of her home by wearing Gran's wedding dress. At least Sookie gets to be the maid of honor? 

Where are all these white dresses coming from?

OPENING CREDITS

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Jane, Tara, and Arlene make up the combination of "old, new, and blue."

Yes, but which is which?

-"And those are my friends...plus Jane Bodehouse."

-Maryann wants the (spoiler) fairylights and Sookie tries; "That's hitting me." Who knows Maryann has jokes?

-Guys, did you know Sookie is a waitress?

FORTENBERRY HOME

-Hoyt has rube goldberg-ed himself an alarm in case Maxine leaves. 

With yarn!

-For his troubles Maxine calls him Norman Bates. 

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Blah, blah, god stuff, blah, blah.

-Maryann calls Sam the ideal wedding gift. 

Hear, hear.

-Maryann has a lot more faith in Sookie and Sam's relationship if she thinks Sookie's the reason Sam will come a-runing to her.

QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE'S PALACE

-Eric is sporting some serious heavage.

Something's got to get me through all this yahtzee talk.

-It's weird seeing Eric be so humble. Go back to being a badass!

-Is "gospel or gorilla shit" a real saying or just one of those things Southern people say and act like everybody knows what they're talking about.

-Eric is stronger and older than Sophie Anne. Why isn't he King of Louisiana then?

-Eric sucks at yahtzee. I'm sure he makes up for that in other areas. 

See you next season Eric!

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Jason continues to be really terrible at quoting things; "I love the smell of nail polish in the morning."

-Oops, I messed up with my last recap, Jason and Andy become "zombies" in this episode, not the last. It becomes even more pointless.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Bill wanted to glamour Arlene's children. There are some very interesting moral implications behind this.

-I honestly believe that Sam would sacrifice himself.

For the town, not just Sookie no matter how much she needs to believe that.

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-"What's with the egg? Did you lay it?"

That would be the most interesting thing she's done all season.

-Lafayette gets to be a bridesmaid too.

-Everything is coming to a head with the meat man and the god who comes; "Worship him bitches!"

-Maryann gives us some Greek history and it's as interesting as it sounds. 

-Ok, who got to unbutton Sam's shirt?

I call dibs for next time!

-Eggs stabs Sam. Just when I thought I couldn't hate him more.

-Sookie takes the time to admonishes the townspeople while Sam is bleeding out. Ugh.

-Maryann's death gives a new meaning to the phrase bull riding (zing!) But seriously, she got a great death for such an annoying character.

"Somewhere out there Tim Burton just got a boner."-Source

-Oh look Bill did something shitty, but still gets to be the good guy. This won't get old.

-"Get everyone off my lawn."-Sookie just became an old lady.

FORTENBERRY HOME

-The truth finally catches up with Maxine and we all have to agree when Hoyt says, "I wish that Jessica had finished you off."

MARYANN'S SOOKIE'S

-Everyone is confused as to why the climax happened halfway through the episode...I mean as to why they're at Sookie's.

-Bud decides to reinstate Andy because he "might have [his] faults, but at least [he's] got pants on."

Having pants on is a fault in my book.

-A doe passes by and Sam misses Daphne. Why? She wanted to murder the fuck out of him.

-Eggs is not handling what might or might not have happened well. Why can't he be like the rest of us and just chalk up blood on our hands to the best night ever that you can't remember?

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Hey there's Charlaine Harris, the author of the Sookie Stackhouse books. 

Hey, here's me and Charlaine Harris. I miss that skirt.

-Arlene is making up for being a shitty mom by giving her kids lots of food. Food is comfort.

-"Yep I'm pretty sure he's dead."

-Those two gossipy cows are back to let the audience know that the town doesn't know what's up, however, I have to agree with the lady who says, "I'll wear [Sam] like a scrunchie."

-"Everybody been acting so crazy I forgot how stupid they were."

And I forgot how beautiful Lafayette's side eye is.

-Jason and Andy are talking about how they saved the town, but they didn't do shit..

-"If a tree falls in the woods, it's still a tree ain't it?"

-Bill sends Sookie a present, a dress for her to wear. That's not controlling at all. 

Anyone else shocked he didn't write this in cursive?

-Eggs wants his memories back, but I'd pay to have my memories of the Maryann storyline removed.

-Sookie decides to give Eggs his memories, because we have to get him out of the show somehow. One of the memories is Maryann and Eggs killing Miss Jeanette in the woods him and Tara found. Shouldn't Tara have recognized the woods though?

BILL'S HOUSE

-Bill is accosting Jessica on her way out like the only thing he knows about fathers is 60s television sitcoms.

WHO KNOWS WHERE

-Sam has an impressive array of belt buckles.

I hope you guys never get tired of me sexualizing Sam Trammell.

-"Never say never when there's the internet."-Amen.

-Sam wants to know where his birth family is and says he's not at his foster family for an apology. Apparently, he's there to make them feel like shit though.

-I want those dying old man's pillows.

"Brighter than sunflowers."-Source

BILL'S HOUSE

-Hoyt realizes what a mistake he's made and brings flowers to Jessica. Shockingly, she lied to Bill though so she's no where to be seen.

TRUCK STOP

-Just kidding she's at a truck stop being a vampire lot lizard! 

I've always wanted to use the phrase "lot lizard".

FRENCH RESTAURANT

-I've never understood the concept of converting old houses into restaurants. Much like different foods on my plate, I don't need the lines of house and restaurant to mix.

-I'll be honest. It looks like it would be a lot of fun to dance with Bill.

Tell no one.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Eggs is even stupider than I thought he was, coming after Andy with a knife in his hands. He's black, cops don't need any more of a reason to shoot him!

-Oh Jason.

-Ugh Tara.

FRENCH RESTAURANT

-Bill proposes to Sookie. They've known each other a month and he's over 100 years old. I think he can wait a little longer to pop the question.

-Sookie goes to the bathroom to make up her mind. All the best decisions are made in the toilet. 

-Bill is kidnapped and hopefully it's not by the Fellowship of the Sun.

And hopefully he'll stay gone.

END

-Musical Moment of the Night: "Beyond Here Lies Nothin'" by Bob Dylan. Plays during the closing credits.

So there's the second season of True Blood. I really loved the Dallas plot, but the Maryann plot really brought down the second season. Luckily, the third season is better and has some really great characters: Russell, Talbot, Franklin. 

Just a keep note about what'll be going on with the blog this weekend. Tomorrow/today I'll be posting my favorite episodes of each season of new Doctor Who. I'll begin recapping the third season of True Blood and Sunday (hopefully) I'll begin recapping the eighth season of Doctor Who as it airs.

SPOILERS

-I don't understand why Jason fell under Maryann's spell. Unless it has to do with Warlow then I'll have to wait to not be confused, because I don't remember much of that season. 

-Sam's foster mom says that his birth family are bad people. They are. He should really listen to her.

-In case you're wondering how the Maryann thing goes down in the books, Maryann is called Callisto and does scratch Sookie. However, she does fuck all while everyone is in Dallas. When Sookie gets back from Dallas she is investigating who killed Lafayette and figures that a group of people who have an orgy knows what's up. She gets invited and brings Eric along because Bill is out of town and why wouldn't you bring Eric to an orgy? Eric wears pink lycra. So she goes to the orgy (that Tara and Eggs are attending) and figures out that they're all responsible for Lafayette's death. Callisto comes because sex and death is her thing and kills everybody but Tara then she leaves. I prefer the book's version.

Here's an Eric .gif for sticking through that.

Home of the Nutty helps makes these recaps possible even if they don't know it.

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Leave a comment if you have any changes you'd like to see for the third season recaps!

True Blood 2.11- "Frenzy"

written by: Alan Ball
directed by: Daniel Minahan

The dream(y) team is back!

QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE'S PALACE

-We finally get to meet the Queen of Louisiana.

Whose fangs are as ridiculous as her acting.

OPENING CREDITS

BILL'S HOUSE

-I get that Hoyt is upset about Jessica biting Maxine, but he's always been really understandable about Jess' vampirism. It's kind of like, where is this coming from Hoyt?

QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE'S PALACE

-Sophie Anne calls Bill a snob. It's a bit rich coming from her, but it's not inaccurate.

-"Cannibalism?" 

"We suspect."- I may dislike Bill, but Stephen Moyer has great comedic timing. 

-Sophie Anne explains maenads by saying, "everything that exists imagined itself into existence." It's as if the audience is suppose to buy that and forget about all the shitty plot holes the Maryann storyline has caused.

-Sophie Anne jokes about having sex with Bill. 

That's nothing to joke about.

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY

-Tara still wants to rescue Eggs and Lafayette and Sookie realize what a bad idea that is. Tara, however, asks Sookie, "How many times have you put yourself in danger for the man you love? How come you get that option and I don't?" She's not wrong, but it's not smart either.

-Tara then turns into a really spiteful bitch who has to be handcuffed. Here starts the falling apart of her and Sookie's friendship.

At least the handcuffs are furry.

-Lettie Mae, who has done fuck all, continues to do fuck all and just cries. As Tara puts it, "This ain't happening to you!"

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Hey sober Andy, long time no see.

-Jason describes Kevin as "that squirrelly one". Jason should be in charge of all adjectives from now on.

-Jason decides to deal with the Maryann situation with Andy and takes all of his hilarious misquotes with him.

-Are Lisa and Coby the only kids in this town?

Besides Hoyt.

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY

-Tara is laying down the guilt trip hard on Lettie Mae. She's shown to have a strong constitution so I'm sure it won't effect her.

-Ok, it's time to retire "satan in a sunday hat." We get it. 

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Sam fixes the kids a sandwich on WHITE BREAD. Is Bon Temps out of multigrain? 

-I like to imagine that Eric and Sam have to go to all these boring Supe business bureau meetings with room temperature Tru Blood and stale donuts.

Someone make this happen.

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY

-"Somebody need to slap that bitch."-Sookie lies when says she slapped Eric.

-I'm glad I'm not the only one who talks to their friend about Alexander Skarsgård sex dreams.

But am I Lafayette or Sookie in this scenario?

-Why is Sookie surprised that Lettie Mae shot at cats? That woman is pointing a gun at her nephew. She's terrible.

-For a minute I'm wondering if Lafayette shouted "riddikulus" and that's why we're seeing Eric in Lettie Mae's clothes.

Gotta keep the boggarts at bay.

-Sookie, the last line of defense, gives Tara her car keys because everyone is being stupid in this episode.

POLICE STATION

-Jason is weirdly fascinated by the possibilities of Sam's shifter sex life.

-Jason distracts Rosie with the best weapon in his arsenal: his sexuality.

-Andy makes his way to the weapons and finds Bud doing his best Yosemite Sam impression.

Minus pants, of course.

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY

-Suck it bitch!

FANGTASIA

-Sam has been waiting outside in the car with Arlene kids for Eric to wake up. Didn't he read the sign?

Sorry We're...Deaf?

-Sam bribes Ginger with $100 dollars. That'll buy a lot cut offs.

LAFAYETTE'S CAR

-Lafayette seems like he's had to hold a gun and drive a car at the same time before.

-Um Sookie, Lafayette is sucking it up.

With a gun.

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Tara's plan to get Eggs fails miserably and she's back to being a "zombie." What was even the point of her being rescued?

-Also it was Tara's fault that Maryann came. Not feeling any love for Tara right now.

POLICE STATION

-Jason's only messed around with one passed out girl, though she wasn't that way when they started. I'm surprised the number isn't higher. 

-Andy didn't get a bulletproof vest for Jason. Dick move.

FORTENBERRY HOUSE

-Look at those childhood pictures of Hoyt!

And the baseball frame!

-Maxine puts potato chips on everything. I'm surprised Hoyt isn't 300 pounds.

-Maxine wants to bring a box of chardonnay to Maryann's. 

-"That man just liked to dance more than a normal man should."

-Hoyt's dad killed himself, not died stopping a robber like Maxine said. 

Or by Maxine's cooking.

SOOKIE'S MARYANN

-Sookie and Lafayette go on about the evils of man. Guys we've been watching this show for two seasons and a lot of characters are terrible. We know what's up.

-Arlene and Terry sitting in a tree...demanding pants as a toll.

-Lafayette starts throwing drugs around like it's Mardi Gras and Arlene and Terry have their tops off.

"You got to pay the troll's toll to get into the boy's soul."-Source

FANGTASIA

-I imagine Eric lounges around Fangtasia like that all the time.

-Pam and Sam both give perfect reactions to Eric asking Sam, "Can you give me Sookie Stackhouse?"

Mine is a mixture of the two.

-I need Pam's jumpsuit like yesterday.

-"Our almost stepdaddy hated vampires, but we don't."

"He went on a vacation with Jesus."-Kids say the darndest things.

-Pam's line of the night: "You make me so happy I never had any of you." You and me both Pam.

-Eric calls kids "tea cup humans", gives a saucy wink, and flies away. He's on fire tonight.

Delicious indeed.

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Ok we get it. Everyone is speaking Latin. 

-Jane Bodehouse cuts off part of her finger and Mike Spencer wants to sex up Sookie. I watched this episode a few days ago and I'm still cringing. 

QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE'S PALACE

-Also cringe inducing: Bill in a bathing suit.

-Sophie Anne is out-boring Bill in an attempt to keep him from leaving.

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Not Carl!

You glorious orgy refereeing bastard.

QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE'S PALACE

-Everyone is playing yahtzee. You're immortal and yahtzee is the best you can come up with?

-Sophie Anne was pulling off the cat's eye look before it came back in style.

-The human beige wall is Hadley, Sookie's cousin.

I really can't think of any other way to describe her.

-Eric lands as Bill is leaving and his hair is delightfully messed up.

-Eric calls Bill out on him rather forcibly giving Sookie his blood. How does Eric know about it?

The only thing they have in common.

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Jason and Andy are carbo-loading in Jason's car.

-Jason calls Andy out for all his Stackhouse hate and claims, "I ain't taking any pussy away from you." He then goes on to say that he's good at sex because of all the porn he studies. 

-They go to save the town and immediately they become "zombies." Seriously, there's another plot that in the end meant nothing.

Except a new bromace!

SAM'S TRAILER

-Bill shows up probably not to make things better.

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Sookie tries to turn her life into a cartoon and hits Mike over the head with a frying pan.

-Sookie walks into a man wearing the dress she wore to Fangtasia. Who wore it better?

-There's an egg on Sookie's bed and Lafayette is a "zombie."

END

I didn't have a musical moment for the episode so here's the season two promo with Depeche Mode's "Corrupt". Fun story, it was the print ads of this that convinced me to watch the show. The rest is history.

SPOILERS

-You may notice that The Queen mentions Sookie's name before Bill does. Hadley told The Queen about Sookie and The Queen sent Bill to procure her. Bill also seems to know who Hadley is already.

-Lettie Mae tells Tara, "You don't want true love." Her husband wanted to wave a gun about during her daughters birthday party so she knows what she's talking about.

-Eric makes Bill think he has the upper hand about Eric selling V and he threatens to tell the Queen. The Queen, of course, already knows.

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