True Blood 2.12- "Beyond Here Lies Nothin'"

written by: Alexander Woo
directed by: Michael Cuesta

Where did he imprint on that bull?

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Spoiler, that egg doesn't mean shit.

-"Take off your clothes."-That's probably the first time Lafayette's ever said that to a woman. 

-Maryann continues to destroy Sookie's memories of her home by wearing Gran's wedding dress. At least Sookie gets to be the maid of honor? 

Where are all these white dresses coming from?

OPENING CREDITS

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Jane, Tara, and Arlene make up the combination of "old, new, and blue."

Yes, but which is which?

-"And those are my friends...plus Jane Bodehouse."

-Maryann wants the (spoiler) fairylights and Sookie tries; "That's hitting me." Who knows Maryann has jokes?

-Guys, did you know Sookie is a waitress?

FORTENBERRY HOME

-Hoyt has rube goldberg-ed himself an alarm in case Maxine leaves. 

With yarn!

-For his troubles Maxine calls him Norman Bates. 

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Blah, blah, god stuff, blah, blah.

-Maryann calls Sam the ideal wedding gift. 

Hear, hear.

-Maryann has a lot more faith in Sookie and Sam's relationship if she thinks Sookie's the reason Sam will come a-runing to her.

QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE'S PALACE

-Eric is sporting some serious heavage.

Something's got to get me through all this yahtzee talk.

-It's weird seeing Eric be so humble. Go back to being a badass!

-Is "gospel or gorilla shit" a real saying or just one of those things Southern people say and act like everybody knows what they're talking about.

-Eric is stronger and older than Sophie Anne. Why isn't he King of Louisiana then?

-Eric sucks at yahtzee. I'm sure he makes up for that in other areas. 

See you next season Eric!

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-Jason continues to be really terrible at quoting things; "I love the smell of nail polish in the morning."

-Oops, I messed up with my last recap, Jason and Andy become "zombies" in this episode, not the last. It becomes even more pointless.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Bill wanted to glamour Arlene's children. There are some very interesting moral implications behind this.

-I honestly believe that Sam would sacrifice himself.

For the town, not just Sookie no matter how much she needs to believe that.

SOOKIE'S MARYANN'S

-"What's with the egg? Did you lay it?"

That would be the most interesting thing she's done all season.

-Lafayette gets to be a bridesmaid too.

-Everything is coming to a head with the meat man and the god who comes; "Worship him bitches!"

-Maryann gives us some Greek history and it's as interesting as it sounds. 

-Ok, who got to unbutton Sam's shirt?

I call dibs for next time!

-Eggs stabs Sam. Just when I thought I couldn't hate him more.

-Sookie takes the time to admonishes the townspeople while Sam is bleeding out. Ugh.

-Maryann's death gives a new meaning to the phrase bull riding (zing!) But seriously, she got a great death for such an annoying character.

"Somewhere out there Tim Burton just got a boner."-Source

-Oh look Bill did something shitty, but still gets to be the good guy. This won't get old.

-"Get everyone off my lawn."-Sookie just became an old lady.

FORTENBERRY HOME

-The truth finally catches up with Maxine and we all have to agree when Hoyt says, "I wish that Jessica had finished you off."

MARYANN'S SOOKIE'S

-Everyone is confused as to why the climax happened halfway through the episode...I mean as to why they're at Sookie's.

-Bud decides to reinstate Andy because he "might have [his] faults, but at least [he's] got pants on."

Having pants on is a fault in my book.

-A doe passes by and Sam misses Daphne. Why? She wanted to murder the fuck out of him.

-Eggs is not handling what might or might not have happened well. Why can't he be like the rest of us and just chalk up blood on our hands to the best night ever that you can't remember?

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Hey there's Charlaine Harris, the author of the Sookie Stackhouse books. 

Hey, here's me and Charlaine Harris. I miss that skirt.

-Arlene is making up for being a shitty mom by giving her kids lots of food. Food is comfort.

-"Yep I'm pretty sure he's dead."

-Those two gossipy cows are back to let the audience know that the town doesn't know what's up, however, I have to agree with the lady who says, "I'll wear [Sam] like a scrunchie."

-"Everybody been acting so crazy I forgot how stupid they were."

And I forgot how beautiful Lafayette's side eye is.

-Jason and Andy are talking about how they saved the town, but they didn't do shit..

-"If a tree falls in the woods, it's still a tree ain't it?"

-Bill sends Sookie a present, a dress for her to wear. That's not controlling at all. 

Anyone else shocked he didn't write this in cursive?

-Eggs wants his memories back, but I'd pay to have my memories of the Maryann storyline removed.

-Sookie decides to give Eggs his memories, because we have to get him out of the show somehow. One of the memories is Maryann and Eggs killing Miss Jeanette in the woods him and Tara found. Shouldn't Tara have recognized the woods though?

BILL'S HOUSE

-Bill is accosting Jessica on her way out like the only thing he knows about fathers is 60s television sitcoms.

WHO KNOWS WHERE

-Sam has an impressive array of belt buckles.

I hope you guys never get tired of me sexualizing Sam Trammell.

-"Never say never when there's the internet."-Amen.

-Sam wants to know where his birth family is and says he's not at his foster family for an apology. Apparently, he's there to make them feel like shit though.

-I want those dying old man's pillows.

"Brighter than sunflowers."-Source

BILL'S HOUSE

-Hoyt realizes what a mistake he's made and brings flowers to Jessica. Shockingly, she lied to Bill though so she's no where to be seen.

TRUCK STOP

-Just kidding she's at a truck stop being a vampire lot lizard! 

I've always wanted to use the phrase "lot lizard".

FRENCH RESTAURANT

-I've never understood the concept of converting old houses into restaurants. Much like different foods on my plate, I don't need the lines of house and restaurant to mix.

-I'll be honest. It looks like it would be a lot of fun to dance with Bill.

Tell no one.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Eggs is even stupider than I thought he was, coming after Andy with a knife in his hands. He's black, cops don't need any more of a reason to shoot him!

-Oh Jason.

-Ugh Tara.

FRENCH RESTAURANT

-Bill proposes to Sookie. They've known each other a month and he's over 100 years old. I think he can wait a little longer to pop the question.

-Sookie goes to the bathroom to make up her mind. All the best decisions are made in the toilet. 

-Bill is kidnapped and hopefully it's not by the Fellowship of the Sun.

And hopefully he'll stay gone.

END

-Musical Moment of the Night: "Beyond Here Lies Nothin'" by Bob Dylan. Plays during the closing credits.

So there's the second season of True Blood. I really loved the Dallas plot, but the Maryann plot really brought down the second season. Luckily, the third season is better and has some really great characters: Russell, Talbot, Franklin. 

Just a keep note about what'll be going on with the blog this weekend. Tomorrow/today I'll be posting my favorite episodes of each season of new Doctor Who. I'll begin recapping the third season of True Blood and Sunday (hopefully) I'll begin recapping the eighth season of Doctor Who as it airs.

SPOILERS

-I don't understand why Jason fell under Maryann's spell. Unless it has to do with Warlow then I'll have to wait to not be confused, because I don't remember much of that season. 

-Sam's foster mom says that his birth family are bad people. They are. He should really listen to her.

-In case you're wondering how the Maryann thing goes down in the books, Maryann is called Callisto and does scratch Sookie. However, she does fuck all while everyone is in Dallas. When Sookie gets back from Dallas she is investigating who killed Lafayette and figures that a group of people who have an orgy knows what's up. She gets invited and brings Eric along because Bill is out of town and why wouldn't you bring Eric to an orgy? Eric wears pink lycra. So she goes to the orgy (that Tara and Eggs are attending) and figures out that they're all responsible for Lafayette's death. Callisto comes because sex and death is her thing and kills everybody but Tara then she leaves. I prefer the book's version.

Here's an Eric .gif for sticking through that.

Home of the Nutty helps makes these recaps possible even if they don't know it.

You can follow the blog on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr.

Leave a comment if you have any changes you'd like to see for the third season recaps!

True Blood 2.08- "Timebomb"

written by: Alexander Woo
directed by: John Dahl

When I said I wanted Eric tied up this isn't really what I meant.

FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN CHURCH BASEMENT

-Godric finishes killing the shit out of Gabe. He made Eric, he's killed a rapist, he's so interesting that of course he won't last.

-Eric storms in with a sexy jacket and agrees to get Sookie out without killing any humans. It's a new side to Eric.

But he's still just as sexy.

OPENING CREDITS

LIGHT OF DAY CAMP

-Jason thinks God saved him when really he was just hit by a paintball. "For heavens sake, grow a brain cell!"

-Sarah lays into Jason (not like that) and tells him he's worse than Judas. Jason kills it by replying, "Why what did he do to you?"

-Jason finds out that Sookie is also at The Fellowship of the Sun and leaves Sarah high and dry.

Spoiler, he won't be the last man to do that to her.

FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN CHURCH

-There's a lock down at the lock in. I live to write these sentences. 

-"He's your maker isn't he?"

"Don't use words you don't understand."

"You have a lot of love for him."

"Don't use words I don't understand."-Thousands of women just sighed with the need to show Eric what love is.

-Undercover Eric is so conspicuous. His attempt at slouching does absolutely nothing. 

How many religious fanatics do you know who can pull off a leather jacket?

-Once the jig is up, it's like someone turned the sexy light switch on.

-Did Steve just refer to Sookie or Eric as an "evil whore of satan"?

-What does one bring to a holy bonfire? Kosher hotdogs?

HOTEL CARMILLA

-Bill mentions Sookie and Lorena's face does this:

So does mine.

-Poor Barry, Bill really does shit all to help him.

-Bill hits Lorena with a plasma screen, ha.

-Bill walks in on Jessice and Hoyt and his face does this:

This is now my new reaction pic to everything.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Lafayette is doing a tarot reading. I know we've never seen him do it before, but it just seems like, of course, he would be the character doing that.

On an unrelated note, do you think he would do my make-up for me?

-Immediately when Eggs talked about blacking out, I think that Lord Voldemort must be possessing him. In case you guys haven't realised, I am a huge nerd.

Evidence.

-Tara is not as concerned about Eggs losing time as I would be. I'd survive this show a lot longer than them.

FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN CHURCH

-Surprisingly, Jason proves more adept at infiltrating the Fellowship of the Sun than Eric.

Camo is the key to blending in. (Hey-oh!)

SAM'S CAR

-That's probably not a paintball gun Sam has with him.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-It's a trap Sam!

-Now that Daphne has had her heart ripped out I wonder if she'll find Bud's joke funny.

-Sam grabs some black garbage bags to deal with Daphne, but it doesn't look like he planned on chopping her up before calling the police so it's all pretty pointless.

-I do like this shot:

That's all.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE FOR WAYWARD TRAVELLERS

-Is Maryann wearing Gran's apron while slicing up Daphne's heart? Not cool.

FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN CHURCH

-Sookie calls Steve out on his silver bullshit, while Eric literally sizzles.

-Bill barges into the church yelling his catch phrase, "Sookeh!"

-"Honestly, what do they see in you?"-Good question Steve.

-Sorry this recap is just basically shots I like, but what else can I do when Steve does this: 

Acting!

-I just realized Stan is quite the hottie. Besides Eddie and Chow are there any ugly vampires? (For a fun read check out Charlaine Harris' essay in Seven Seasons of Buffy, "A Reflection of Ugliness" which came out in '03 so long before True Blood was a series.)

-Steve wants to be a martyr, but it looks like Godric is going to beat him to it .

-I don't know if it starts with this episode, or it's just when I start noticing it hardcore, but it seems like now whenever Sookie is in trouble she'll run to Bill's arms.

Their bodies have more magnetism than their relationship.

-Godric's faith in humans is stronger than Steve's. Burn.

-Bill gets all butthurt when Eric asks Sookie if she's fine. "She's fine!" Way to keep it close to the chest Bill.

-"I reckon I've already been to heaven. It was inside your wife."-Double burn Steve!

"Honesty my ass, shithead."

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Bud and Kenya come to question Sam and Andy comes in. Even though he tells the truth, Sam is like "I don't even know him."

STACKHOUSE HOUSE FOR WAYWARD TRAVELLERS

-Tara thinks that there may be a gas leak. What is this the fourth season of Community?!

I want to see that crossover. 

-Maryann gives Tara and Eggs a soufflé that was made at Miss Lovette's Pie Shop.

STAN'S (GODRIC'S?) HOUSE

-Eric both compliments and threatens Jason at the same time. He also guides Jason with some head nodding. It's good.

-"You let me walk into a trap."

[nonplussed]"I regret that."

-Eric insinuates that he might like to turn Sookie. I don't know how I would feel about that.

BILL'S HOUSE

-I'm glad they've figured out Jessica's wardrobe.

How are those shoes staying on though?

-Congratulations Hoyt and Jessica! You've finally given me a non-cringeworthy sexcapade that takes place at Bill's. 

-Unfortunately, Jessica will remain a physical virgin forever. I hope she makes the most of it and puts "Like a Virgin" on her sex playlist.

STAN'S (GODRIC'S?) HOUSE

-"I don't like being touched."

"Believe me, I don't like touching you."-Speak for yourself Bill.

-It's kind of a bum party, but at least Hugo gets to leave without shuffling off this mortal coil.

-Bill keeps avoiding Sookie and goes outside to have a man to man with Jason. This is Bill's stay put face: 

Wait til you see his fetch face!

JAIL

-Sam is not alone getting locked up. Jane has lost her pants and Mike has sodomized a tree! He's in good company.

STAN'S (GODRIC'S?) HOUSE

-Jason wants forgiveness for being an asshole. Is this character growth I see?

-Jason hugs Bill and asks, "was that ok for you?"

Bill would have to be (even more of) a monster to say "no".

-I like the back and forth between Eric and Godric. You would think their conversations would feel implausible because of Alan Hyde (Godric) being quite a bit younger than Eric, but the two really make it work. We're finally seeing what Eric cares about, but we're also looking into what Eric (possibly) fears is his future. 

STACKHOUSE HOUSE FOR WAYWARD TRAVELLERS

-Eggs and Tara just started going all 50 Shades of Gray. As Lorena will say later, there is "no excuse for domestic violence."

I wonder what Tara's inner goddess is saying about this.

STAN'S (GODRIC'S?) HOUSE

-Lorena decides it's time to gatecrash. As Meredith Woerner at io9 says, Lorena is like the girl in high school who didn't get asked to prom, but decides that she's going to go to show everybody she don't need no man. Except Lorena is an insane psychopath.

-So could Bill have left Lorena? She had released him decades before, but does she still have some supernatural hold over him. Or was Bill not really trying to hard to leave?

-"Don't you have any shame?!"

Maybe it's in those curls.

-Godric kicks Lorena out, but we all have to endure another conversation between her and Bill.

-In walks Luke who has always been nothing but troub- Shut up, is Eric wearing a racerback tank?

Yes. Yes it is.

-In lesser news Luke is a literal ticking time bomb.

END

SPOILERS

-Godric says that he requires little blood. I don't know if it's explained in the show, but the books say that the older vampires get the less blood they need.

-Lorena realizes that Barry is different. It's because he's a fairy...not that kind.

-Lorena asks when she'll see Bill again. Next season!

Up next is "I Will Rise Up" my absolute favorite episode of True Blood!

I didn't have a Musical Moment for the Night so enjoy "At Least it Was Here" by The 88s which is Community's theme song. 

Social networks are fun. Here's the blog's Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr.

If I ask questions at the end of each recap will you guys leave comments?

True Blood 2.01- "Nothing but the Blood"

written by: Alexander Woo
directed by: Daniel Menahem

You beautiful WAS-Fellowship of the Sun bastards. 

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Picking up right where we left off, there is a dead person in Andy's car! That's why you always have to roll the windows down for your hookers.

-Just joking! It's Miss Jeanette and not Lafayette like we were psyched out to believe!

-Tara is giving Ginger a run for her money with that screaming.

And with her life choices.

OPENING CREDITS

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Andy is really pushing this whole "she wasn't killed in my car" thing. Seems suspicious. 

-"You're overworked. You're also drunk."

"What? I'm not overworked."-You and me both Andy.

BILL'S HOUSE

-Bill pronounces the "h" in "whilst".

I pronounce the "h" in "horrible".

-Over the phone Sookie tells Bill that she always needs him. They've known each other for like a month. She didn't always need him.

-I'd make fun of Bill recycling, but I'm from Portland, so I actually cried a single tear.

JASON'S HOUSE

-Studying The Fellowship of the Sun book is probably the first time Jason has ever used a highlighter. 

Except on his hair.

POLICE DEPARTMENT

-I want to record Kenya's tutting, because honestly I need that in my life.

-Lettie Mae barges in during the questioning, because she finally cares about Tara's involvement with the law? Nope! Miss Jeanette's death is all about her. 

Sookie will play this card soon and often.

FANGTASIA TORTURE DUNGEON

-Lafayette is chained up in the basement in Fangtasia with some other people. They get a bucket and we get to hear the sound effects. Everyone is being tortured. 

-"You shut your mouth you fucking inbreed."

Making friends and influencing people everywhere.

BILL'S HOUSE

-Bill and Jessica are trying to out ridiculous each other with their accents. 

POLICE DEPARTMENT

-I may not like Maryann, but I do like the trick she plays on Lettie Mae. 

BILL'S HOUSE

-Bill is a fuddy duddy and Jessica wants to rebel. This dynamic can only be funny for so long.

-"Compared to Fangtasia this blows."-Truer words were never spoken.

-Sookie accuses Bill that if Jessica was still with Eric then Sookie wouldn't know about Jessica. She is spot on. 

It won't be the last time it happens Sookie!

TELEVISION

-Steve and Nan are going at it on tv...not that way...I wish. 

You could stake the sexual tension.

STEVE NEWLAND MEET AND GREET

-Steve is the most famous person Jason has ever met. The most famous person I ever met was Kristen Bell or David Tennant. Who's more famous?

-Sarah says that you can't put a price on salvation. Pretty sure the Catholic church has tried that. 

MARYANN'S MANSION

-"There was a bit of a murder in my parking lot."-If I'm ever murdered please call it "a bit of a murder."

SAM'S FLASHBACK

-Even young Sam had a cute butt.

Here is the PG version of it.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE

-Sookie is listening to a record. What a hipster. She's probably only cleaning Gran's room out to look for vintage finds.

-You shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but Gran was knitting an ugly ass scarf.

-Sookie learns that Uncle Bartlett is dead. Duh duh duh.

MARYANN'S MANSION

-Everyone is smoking pot and being cool, but really it's boring as fuck.

-Eggs says he has never eaten kumquat. What is wrong with him?

-This is what I think whenever Eggs talks:

-Maryann has a strong pimp slap. 

ROAD CREW

-Even Hoyt knows that The Fellowship of the Sun is bad and he is really sheltered.

-Sookie drops off the check to Jason. Some divine intervention...or a just some plot.

SAM'S FLASHBACK

-Maryann has sex with Sam. That's all.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-9 out of 10 artificial nails are down! Arlene girl you do need some back up.

The horrors!

FANGTASIA TORTURE DUNGEON

-The conversation with Lafayette and the redneck is gold.

-"You do not need to be telling me this shit."-White people, right?

-I feel bad for Lafayette. Being stuck in a shit town and doing whatever it takes to get out.

-"I pray to god you ain't the last motherfucker I meet before I die."

I'd be ok if a shirtless Lafayette was the last person I met before I die.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-I shouldn't be surprised Arlene is super racist or a hypocrite. She makes a joke about "more chins than a Chinese phonebook" and then yells at some ladies "don't you people have any shame?!" 

Nope!

-Jason lies to Sookie and says that he's going to Malboro Baptist. Who's the dumb one in the family for believing that lie?

BILL'S HOUSE

-Bill decides that statistics are the best way to win Jessica over. 

It doesn't work.

-"You are so not Eric."-Amen.

SAM'S TRAILER

-Sookie needs to hear that she isn't the center of Sam's universe.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Bud is looking good.

1st place indeed!

SAM'S FLASHBACK

-Spoiler, that statue has nothing to do with Maryann's obsession with Sam. I try not to spoil, but the plot is too boring for me to care.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Musical Moment of the Night: "Golden State" by John Doe and Kathleen Edwards. Plays in the background during the scene.

BILL'S HOUSE

-Sookie makes us realize that she is responsible for a lot of death so far and it's only the beginning of the second season.

-Sookie and Bill bone. To quote Jessica, "ew."

FANGTASIA

-Finally a badass motherfucking vampire that isn't an embarrassment to vampires!

Of course that vampire is Eric.

END

Sorry about the delay between the seasons guys. I was on an insomnia vacation. It's crazier than most vacations.

SPOILERS

-In the books Sookie uses the inheritance as a donation to a hospital. It's a lot better than what happens in the show.

-Bill goes on and on about what a redemption Sookie is for him. He says the same stuff throughout the seasons. Unfortunately, that's giving Sookie a lot more credit than she's worth and it shows his unwillingness to take responsibility for his own life which makes him pretty shit.