True Blood 2.06- "Hard-Hearted Hannah"

written by: Brian Buckner
directed by: Michael Lehmann

Someone is trying to give Keyboard Cat a run for his money.

HOTEL CARMILLA

-Eric is drinking from a blood prostitute (as a group let's come up with a name for them) who is about as convincing as Scarlett Johansson's acting. Yes, someone had to say it.

-Lorena comes in and for once she's useful, because she makes Eric do this:

I'd give that man all the minutes.

OPENING CREDITS

HOTEL CARMILLA

-Boy the costume department is hell bent on getting the most out of those robs.

-Sookie listens in on Isabel's human, Hugo's, mind and it's a hall of mirrors that just echo "forever."

-Isabel hits the nail on the head when she says, "people of the church, they have a way of not trusting a woman when she's absent a man." Amen sista.

LORENA FLASHBACK

-Music Moment of the Night: "Hard-Hearted Hannah". In the episode Bill is playing and singing this on the piano, but this version is from Ella Fitzgerald. 

-To be honest, I find Bill quite dashing in this scene.

-Lorena, who now joins the ridiculous accent club, chats up a couple and gets them to agree to a foursome. Girl moves fast.

-Apparently Bill's name in this little scenario is "Guillaume".

...okay

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Sam is finally addressing the scratches in the room.

-Daphne says she's counting her blessings since she got mauled by Maryann. She better start counting them faster.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE FOR WAYWARD TRAVELLERS 

-"I wish I had a fancier crib for you to squat in."

-In another turn of events, I actually find Tara and Eggs cute in this scene. There obviousness is endearing. 

He didn't even have to take his shirt off to impress me!

LIGHT OF DAY CAMP

-Steve and Sarah are wearing matching ties. That is a weird personality trait that I definitely believe about that couple.

That and they've only done missionary.

-"Can you guys keep a secret?"

"I hope so."-Ha. 

-Jason and Luke rekindle their bromance to build a platform so that a vampire can meet the sun. Is the platform really necessary?

HOTEL CARMILLA

-I enjoy Sookie in this scene. She is funny and smart. I feel like the show ignores these positives aspects whenever they please and it's a damn shame.

A damn shame.

-Hugo is really into wanting to be turned. Sookie's never thought about it. Hugo is the weirdo in this situation.

-"Besides now if I die today, who cares? At least I'll never have to feel old and unloved and unwanted."-That's all of us.

MARYANN'S CAR

-Tara and Eggs are off to find some hardware something when Eggs recognizes a place he's never been. I do not care.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Note to self: do not surprise Terry!

Damn. There go my Saturday night plans.

-Andy comes in to (unlawfully) interrogate Lafayette, accusing him of losing his "pizzaz."

-Terry busts that shit up and tells the best story while doing it: "Back when we were kids playing cops and robbers in Me-maw and Pa-po's backyard, you always used to make your arrest with dignity." 

-One of the things I really like about True Blood is not just the portrayal of PTSD, but also the fact that the characters have it. As someone with PTSD, I find it frustrating when television shows that have otherwise great character development ignore the fact that their characters would probably have PTSD given the situations they're put in. And now I'm stepping off my soapbox.

Finally!

-Hoyt interrupts his mom's lunch to tell her to get out of his business. Maxine thinks Jessica is just after Hoyt for his money; "we don't have any money!"

-Sam does need to get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. 

LIGHT OF DAY CAMP

-Men can you please stop calling your penises your "johnson"? It's gross.

-Luke breakdowns the hierarchy of sins. Apparently having gay sex with a vampire is the "creme de la creme" of sin. Which creme is he talking about?

-"Jason Stackhouse, abstinent."

"Sounds good doesn't it?"

"Not really."-Jason and me.

-Sookie thinks that Sarah looks like vanilla pudding. Puh-lease, it's banana.

-Man homosexuals are really taking a beating at The Fellowship of the Sun.

LORENA FLASHBACK

-Bill is a monster for making fun of that man's stutter.

Ok there may be a few other things that make him a monster.

-Here marks the second gross Bill sex scene. Gross.

WOODS

-Tara and Eggs find the place he doesn't remember being. Even though there is blood everywhere I'm still bored. 

*yawn*

FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN CHURCH

-It's funny. In this scene everyone is putting on an act and the act that they're putting on is "be an asshole".

-Steve thinks Sookie isn't really a Christian because she doesn't know what a lock in is. Is it a very common thing?

-Gabe uses the phrase "titties". Gross. 

ANDY'S CAR

PIG!

-Sam and Daphne have just casually placed their clothes in the trees.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Pam comes to visit Lafayette and he asks Pam "is you real?" 

Or is this the beginning of a sex dream?

-Pam says she could stay in the lock in freezer in a pinch. Unfortunately, we never, ever see this happen.

FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN CHURCH

-Apparently Steve's dad's tomb is buried beneath the church. I believe the Fellowship of the Sun would be pretentious enough to do that. 

-Steve says the Catholic Church is polluted by evil. Pot calling the kettle black.

-Sarah is almost a human being in this scene.

As opposed to being pudding.

HOTEL CARMILLA

-Lorena plans on trapping Bill with her vagina.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE FOR WAYWARD TRAVELLERS

-Tara and Eggs act like they've never seen a horror movie and get high while trying to find everybody.

Do they even realize how much riskier it is, because they're black?!

-Welcome to the True Blood orgy. Leave your clothes in the foyer.

-This is a great scene to show who has a no nudity clause in their contract and who doesn't.

-Also is Carl like some kind of orgy referee?

HOTEL CARMILLA

-The room service menu says Tru Blood is $45. How much is it normally?

-Hoyt drives all the way to see Jessica while wearing his first date shirt.

It's already proven to be lucky.

FELLOWSHIP OF THE SUN CHURCH

-Sarah and Jason get nasty in the church.

WOODS

-Nothing good comes from drum music.

Don't do anything to his cute butt!

END

SPOILERS

-Is Eric so nice to the prostitute because Pam was one?

-Eric realizes Sookie is more than human, but not that she's part fairy.

-Eric last saw Godric during WWII.

Screencaps were procured at Home of the Nutty.

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Also just to let you guys know, next week I'll start recapping the 8th (current) season of Doctor Who. Steven Moffat's still working on it so I have plenty to be snarky about!

True Blood 2.05- "Shake and Fingerpop"

written by: Alan Ball
directed by: Michael Lehmann

Lafayette teaching Eric to dance.

LIGHT OF DAY CAMP
-Jason gets punk'd by Luke and the other religious weirdos. It's similar to when Jason pretended he was a vampire to Dawn except it doesn't end up in sex.

-I've never punched somebody, but I kind of want to just to use Jason's line: "How's you nose?" *punch*

-When Jason gets serious he removes his tie. It's a clip on.

Seriously, I need someone to make .gifs for me.

OPENING CREDITS

BILL'S HOUSE

-Bill is still overreacting about Hoyt and Jessica making out. He threatens to throw Hoyt out of a window "that is closed." I'll admit it. It's pretty funny.

-Hoyt leaves, not before being ridiculously sweet to Jessica. They're this shows version of Buffy and Angel.

The truest of vampire/human loves.

-"I am a vampire. I'm suppose to be tormented."-Bill's get jokes in this scene.

LAKE

-Sam likes night and nature because there aren't people. Amen brother.

-Daphne points out that Bon Temps is pretty much a shithole. I have to agree. Though the town with sweet potato pancakes sounds just as terrible.

-The word of the day returns with "opaque". 

Thank goodness that lake isn't opaque.

MARYANN'S MANSION

-Tara tells Maryann she is ready to GTFO. Not everybody can handle an orgy.

-I really dislike Maryann's character, she's kind of this season's Amy, but Michelle Forbes does a wonderful job portraying her.

LIGHT OF DAY CAMP

-The jesus freaks are debating who was the first vampire: Lazarus, Jesus, or Cane Cain (I so don't know jesus stuff). I can definitely see this happening if vampires really did exist. 

-Someone states that the first evil was Eve with the whole apple business. It further engrains my hate of these guys.

-Jason, however, offers the perfect rebuttal. "That wasn't evil. That was just skirting the rules. Evil is making the premedicated [sic] choice to be a dick."

Bless him.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE

-Tara moves in on her birthday and Sookie only gives her an old picture. It's a shit gift.

-Sookie tells Tara that she's going to Dallas because of vampires and Tara exclaims that "the sex can't be that good." Ha.

-Sooke rebuttals that the sex is good, but she loves Bill. I'm surprised you guys didn't hear my "ugh" wherever you are. 

UUUUGGGGHHHH

-Sookie then throws her saving Lafayette in Tara's face. Has Sookie ever celebrated a birthday party?!

MORGUE

-Bud, Kenya, and Mike are doing police stuff with dead Miss Jeanette laying right there. 

-Bud makes the joke, "we are looking at a human and animal collaboration." Kenya is not impressed since there is a dead black lady with her heart cut out. She's kind of on target.

Bud is right though.

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY 

-Tara once again comes throwing accusations at Lafayette that a Stackhouse told her. Somethings never change.

-Lafayette does not need the police in his business.

-I feel like Lafayette is just being a jerk for the sake of the plot.

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-"Dumbass."-Terry is the voice of wisdom.

-I might not know what's in Terry's Scramble, but I'd eat it.

-What the hell does Sam need so many cuties for? Seriously, what kind of bar food has cuties in it?

Is it for pun purposes? 

-Sookie drops the bomb that she needs time off to go to Dallas and Sam tells her what she needs to hear. He's not around to make her feel better. Word.

LIGHT OF DAY CAMP

-Jason and Steve shot stuff with paintballs like the manly men that they are.

Next up: Beer and skin mags.

-Jason says that a vampire dying is like a water balloon bursting. He's pretty on point.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE

-Tara is crying on her birthday. Maryann and the crew come over to plot a birthday party. That's really  all that happens. It's too boring to waste my wit on.

NEWLIN RESIDENCE

-This Sarah striptease is so out of place with the linearness of the show that it unnerves me. Especially when the fourth wall is broken.

Not the fourth wall. Never the fourth wall!

-Steve and Sarah invite Jason to be a soldier of god. Not being funny, but isn't that what they call child soldiers?

-Also what the hell is the organizational system in this "church"?

-Who's eating all of this food?

Jesus is our co-dinner guest?

MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL

-Arlene is being such a bitch to Daphne and it's definitely necessary.

You've got to have a lot of self confidence to pull off that much tacky jewellery.

-Everyone leaves for Tara's party except Lettie Mae who is still kind of a cunt.

DALLAS AIRPORT

-Sookie drank 10 mini bottles of alcohol. At most that flight would be an hour and a half. I like the way that girl thinks.

-Sookie almost gets kidnapped, like the damsel in distress she'll start being this season, but Bill comes to the rescue, like the knight and shining armour he'll start being this season. 

-While Bill comes to Sookie's rescue, Jessica get trapped in the coffin. 

There's a joke in here somewhere.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE

-There are a lot of people at Sookie's house. I don't think she would approve.

-However, everyone approves of Tara's dance moves.

It's just How She Move- Source

DALLAS AIRPORT

-Is the Dallas Airport really the appropriate place and time for Jessica to start her vampire lessons?

-We find out that someone knew that Sookie was coming. None of these people are particularly good at keeping secrets so it could have been anybody.

LIGHT OF DAY CAMP

-For some reason I wrote that Jason reminded me of David Tennant in my notes, so enjoy David Tennant. 

I know I will.

-"She wants your hot beef injection."-GROSS

HOTEL CARMILLA

-Sidenote, the name of the hotel refers to the novella Carmilla which featured a female (debatably lesbian) vampire. It was an inspiration for Dracula.

-The desk clerk is not impressed by Sookie and Bill's banter. Neither am I.

-Jessica, however, is killing it by fucking with the would be kidnapper. 

-When Jessica's around Bill and Sookie have this weird mom and dad dynamic.

I bet he tells the worst dad jokes.

STACKHOUSE HOUSE

-Maryann chants in Latin while Tara and Eggs have sex. Those two things are probably not connected.

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY

-Lafayette is watching Jason and the Argonauts. He has the best taste in movies.

-Lafayette doesn't think it's a good idea to let Eric in, but Eric lifts his eyebrow and no one can say no to that.

And lo the Skarsbrow was born.

HOTEL CARMILLA

-Bill pronounces the "h" in "what." I will never not point these out.

-Also there is some stuff about sending the would be kidnapper on his way like everything is all dandy. Of course it is, just look at Bill and Sookie's face!

Nothing but shiny happy people here!

LAFAYETTE'S DISPENSARY 

-Musical Moment of the Night: "Watch My Mouth" by Cazwell. It's Lafayette's jam.

-Lafayette dance humps against his furniture. I want some of Eric's blood too.

NEWLIN RESIDENCE

-I've realized that Anna Camp (Sarah) is like Kristen Stewart. Their mouths are both perpetually open. I still find Kristen Stewart more annoying.

HOTEL CARMILLA

-Sookie is still trying to maintain her good girl image by saying "fudge" instead of "fuck". This is after she was about to have sex with Bill so we've got to take it with a grain of salt.

-During Eric and Bill's conversation Bill is acting like he's very shrewd. He's not particularly. 

STACKHOUSE HOUSE

-Sam and Daphne are about to get it on and Daphne describes Sam's attractive qualities perfectly: "You're sweet as hell and adorable and scruffy with that little grey in your hair and that hot little nose. And, damn,  boy do you know how to wear a pair of pants."

Or as I like to say, he has an ass that don't quit.

-The orgy begins again, but now a lot more food is involved. I have the opposite of whatever that fetish is.

HOTEL CARMILLA

-New character alert: Barry the Bellboy!

END

SPOILERS

-Sadly, we never find out what Lettie Mae gave Tara.

-Eric says he's got to fly. He's being literal, because he can fly!

I've got to procure my own screencaps for the next ep, but these came from Home of the Nutty. 

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True Blood 2.02- "Keep This Party Going"

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